A Not So Clean Break
by Strange.x.And.x.Beautiful
Summary: A lament told in Bella’s POV during the four months after Edward left in New Moon. Songfic. BxE


A Not So Clean Break

**Yup, i'm back with another songfic! Told you in the profile I'm obsessed with music.**

**Anyway, down to business. Characters belong to Stephenie Meyer, genius of the world. Lyrics belong to the song 'Breakeven' by The Script, musical muses :)**

**Like the summary says, this takes place at the the four pages in New Moon that just has names of the months written on them. I kinda think of this as a little insight to Bella's hurt during those 4 months, as we know hardly anything that goes on with her (well mentally at least) during that time.**

**I'm rambling on now so...enjoy!**

_I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing  
Just prayed to a god that I don't believe in  
Cos I got time while he got freedom  
Cos when a heart breaks no it don't break even_

A clean break. That's what he said, so why does it feel like it's a jagged break? Why does it feel like all the sharp edges of our so called clean break are poking me in the ribs, making it hard to breathe every time I think about him?

Every little memory that he tried to take away from me is firmly imprinted on my mind forever. Sure, he can take the photos, the birthday presents, the music he played for me, he can even remove himself from my life, but it won't make me stop loving him, it won't make the memories fade away.

_His best days will be some of my worst  
He probably met a girl that's gonna put him first  
While I'm wide awake he's no trouble sleeping  
Cos when a heart breaks no it don't break even, even no_

Days rush by but I barely notice. All I feel is the agony of losing Edward.

Every morning I wake up half expecting him to be lying next to me watching me sleep, but he's never there. I miss the coldness of his body next to mine so much that it aches. I miss his smell, the sweet, heavenly scent that would escape his lips every time he greeted me in the morning. I miss the way he'd look lovingly into my eyes so my heart would stutter. But most of all I missed that crooked smile that I loved so much, the smile that I knew was for me, and only me. Whenever I thought about it I felt like I was internally bleeding from my yearning. I resigned myself to the fact that no one could stop it, I am drowning in my own anguish and there is no life line for me to grab onto. So I continue to live in my wrecked world without the only person who can make it whole again.

_What am I suppose to do when the best part of me was always you  
What am I suppose to say when I'm all choked up and you're OK  
I'm falling to pieces  
I'm falling to pieces_

I thought about him fleetingly today. I wondered where he'd gone, where all of his family had gone.

I can't say their names anymore; it hurts too much for me to stand. I have to physically hold myself together in fear of falling apart, I know I'm never going to heal, no one is ever going to be able to put me back together again, and the break in my heart will never mend.

Ever since they left, I've looked in the mirror every morning and hated the person who was looking back at me. She was the klutz who drove them away; she was the one that always put herself in danger at the expense of the ones she loved. She should've died when James took her hostage. If she'd died none of this would've happened.

As much as I tried to express how angry I was, my reflection still looked vacant; it was as if a waxwork was standing in for me. There was no emotion, no sign of how I really felt. My emotions were trapped beneath the empty exterior, and try as I might I couldn't release them. I couldn't express how I felt to anyone. I was alone, barely the person I had been before, a shadow of the Bella who had a life. Now, I was a ghost floating amongst the living mourning over the life I'd lost.

I wasn't me anymore.

_They say bad things happen for a reason  
But no wise words gonna stop me bleeding  
Cos he moved on while I'm still grieving  
And when a heart breaks no it don't break even_

He said to me that "time heals all wounds for your kind", but I feel less human than I was in the first place.

I know that any normal person would be over him by now, but I'm not normal. We established that when we first met. He couldn't read my mind; I was the first human he'd met that he couldn't read their mind. I was different because my blood called to him like an aphrodisiac, he couldn't keep away even when he hated me initially, and it was all down to the fact that I was different from the rest. I intrigued him, I was the only person in the world who he couldn't figure out and he loved that about me.

Even our love was different from the rest. We loved each other like Romeo and Juliet, passionate and unyielding; we'd do anything just to keep each other blissfully happy. But he left me, destroying every part of the love we'd put together over the past year, he'd left to create a new life away from the destruction that revolved around me.

He didn't want me anymore; he'd grown tired of pretending, he said, although it was probably because he was tired of pretending to love me. Maybe I am just too different; maybe no one could ever understand me, not even an outcast like him.

I don't fit in with the normal world and I don't fit in with the supernatural world either.

Maybe I'm just not supposed to fit anywhere, maybe I was the one who was pretending. There was a possibility that I'd been pretending to try and fit into the supernatural world of vampires, just so he would love me. Everyone knew he and his family would never belong in the human world, so I'd adapted, making myself a part of their world, I suspect that's why he'd left me. He'd seen how much I was trying and he didn't want to watch me pretend anymore.

But now I wasn't pretending I realised that I don't belong to anywhere. I'm on the wrong planet altogether.

_You got my heart and none of the pain  
You took your suitcase, I took the blame  
Now I'm trynna make sense of what little remains  
Cos you left with no love, with no love to my name_

I accidently cut myself with a knife whilst preparing dinner for Charlie this evening. Usually the smell of blood would've made me dizzy, but I just looked at it numbly remembering the images of my birthday party flash before my eyes.

I saw myself cut the same finger on some wrapping paper, I saw the bloodlust in Jasper's eyes as he lunged at me, and I saw myself topple against the glass plates as Edward pushed me out of the way.

That night had been the turning point of my life. Instead of being a joyous occasion it had sealed the fate of my life. In a few short seconds I'd brought disgrace to his family, made him decide to leave, and leave me with a scar that I would associate with the gash I had across my heart.

Although one had healed, the other remained open and became more infected every time I remembered something about the life I'd lost.

_I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing  
Just prayed to a god i don't believe in  
Cos I got time while he got freedom  
Cos when a heart breaks no it don't break even  
No it don't break, no it don't break even, no_

I stared at my Jane Austen book for hours afraid to open it. Although I wanted to read it, all I could do was think about how the heroes related to him; some even had the same name. However I knew I'd only get angry with the heroes. None of them had left the heroines to crumble under their overwhelming despair, none of them had thought it a good idea to leave for the heroine's own good. But I remembered that my life wasn't like a romance novel anymore. I would probably end up like Miss Havisham in Great Expectations, waiting my whole life for a man who would never come back for me. It was pitiful, but this is what I was reduced to.

I look at my reflection and all I see is a lonely, crumbled, grief stricken mess that was a product of a not so clean break.

So much for a happy ending.

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